Thursday, March 30, 2006

Free Wood

Not sure what my problem has been the last two mornings, but I have been in a complete haze. Yesterday I missed my exit and was late for PT. This morning I was a good 5-6 miles past my exit before I even realized I had passed I-75. I intended to get to work early this morning, but my scatterbrained ways added an extra 30 minutes. I am such an airhead at times.

It is so nice to enjoy work again. I was so miserable for awhile. It's amazing how one person can tear down so many. Today at luch I went for a walk in a nearby sub with some of my co-workers. Hmmm, taking a lunch - what a concept. I had stuff to do, but I have to learn to relax and that it is okay to get away from my desk for 30 minutes. As we were walking, a landscaping truck pulled up next to us. The middle-aged man leaned out and goes, "Are any of you ladies interested in some free woodchips?" We politely and cheerfully say, "no thanks" and keep on walking. As soon as he pulled away we looked at each other and exclaimed what a jackass he was. Count on KT to make the grade school joke of, "no thanks, I've got free wood at home." It must have been becaused we looked so hot in our office clothes and tennis shoes... seriously, I swore I would NEVER do that. At least we didn't have skirts on with our tennis shoes!

I packed my gym bag this morning and actually made it to the gym tonight. However, when I got into the locker room I realized I had forgotten a sports bra. I hate being a girl sometimes. So, I had to walk right back out like an idiot. I'm proud to say that I went home, changed and went over to the clubhouse for an hour cardio session. It was slow, but I did 30 mintues on the treadmill (12:30 pace) and 30 minutes on the bike. Afterwards, I stretched out since I was getting pretty sore from yesterday's torture.

Well, tomorrow is a new day and I'm actually looking forward to it. If that's not progress I don't know what is.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Getting into shape...! Tonight was my first session with my personal trainer and he kicked my ass. I always hated when I would take some time off (two or three weeks) and then tried to pick up where I left off. In my head I always thought, "you should be able to do this" while my body was screaming, "why did you let yourself get out of shape!?!?" Let me tell you, that was nothing compared to taking ten months off.

We started with a series of high knees, butt kicks and walking lunges. From there we went right into explosion exercises and squats. I was definitely out of breath, but was doing better than I expected. Then we started abs. The first set I was able to do. The second set was a more advanced move, but something I normally would have been able to do. After doing half the set I looked at him and said, "yeah, so I had major abdomenal surgery a year ago." After scolding me for not telling him (I wanted to see wated to see what I could do) he said it made more sense as to why I couldn't do it. It wasn't that it was painful, my body just physically could not do it. Hmmm... must be BECAUSE THEY SLICED THROUGH MY ENTIRE ABDOMEN!!!!

At this point I was getting tired, but really I was getting more and more pissed off that I couldn't do everything. We moved to some push ups and then my sugar completely dropped. I felt like complete shit. After trying to push through it, but failing, we stopped the circuit training and I cooled down on the bike. He told me he was impressed with as much as I could do for not doing anything for a year. I told him it pisses me off that I couldn't do it, but said I guess since I couldn't walk ten months ago I should consider this an accomplishment. The best part of the session is the end - he stretched me out. The only down side is I'm really going to have to stay up on shaving my legs...

I've got a long way to go if I'm going to get back into running marathons. The thing is, I should be thrilled that I'm able to go to the gym and begin doing these things. But I'm not. I'm frustrated and this thought ran through my head about how much I hate my body for betraying me. I took good care of it - ate well, worked out, drank water, got my sleep. It sounds stupid so I haven't said it out loud to anyone, but I just feel like my body turned on me. Why the fuck were those things growning inside of me!?!? Why the fuck didn't anyone find them before they were the size of grapefruits!?!?!?!

I'm still not convinced that I even want to run again, but I truly believe this is the only way to find out. I'm still not convinced that I even want to be one of those girls that works out everyday. For my overall health I know I need to, but I'm just not sure I'm that person anymore.

On a brighter note I have did pass an exciting milestone. Yesterday, March 28, was the first day since May 18, 2005 that I did not get those sharp shooting, stabbing pains. The first day in nearly one year that I didn't have those horrible pains. I still have that "base pain" as I call it, but not a single stabbing feeling for 24 hours. My physical therapist was so pleased when I told her this morning. And, it was the first time I truly believed that it will get better. I'm not convinced yet that I'll ever live pain free... baby steps. Not to ruin the happy news, but I can't remember what it is like to not be in pain. I cannot remember what it was like prior to that awful day in May where my abdomen didn't hurt. That makes me so sad. Anyway, the stabbing returned today, but I'm still clinging to the fact that yesterday I did't have a single one. It may be a small thing, but to me it's a huge milestone.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Girls Night

My roommate and I went to get manicures tonight. Kind of random for a Tuesday night, but hey, we're random kinda people. I had a gift card for the spa next to my townhouse that was about to expire so I thought I better use it up. I meant to use it for a massage last May after the Flying Pig marathon, but accidently scheduled it at another spa... I'm a bit flakey sometimes.

The girls kept trying to convince us that we needed to start coming on a weekly basis. Right... This is more of special occassion thing for me, not a necessity. I live in one of the richest counties in the state and often, little things like this, reminds me that I should probably live somewhere else. I've been thinking about buying something, but I'd be lucky to afford a box around here.

In between conversation of weekly manicures and how the one girls' cousin, who is a model, once dated Fabio (although he does nothing for me, my response was, "I hate beautiful people."), the girls also tried to talk us into pedicures. No one would ever want to touch my feet! As my fellow runners will agree, our toenails aren't exactly pretty. Plus, I have a weird thing about feet. Not so much people touching mine, but I freak out when other people's feet touch me!!!! Not that their feet would touch me, but I think I would think about it the whole time and ruin the experience.

We capped off the night with a glass of wine. Note, I said a glass of wine. Usually our spontaneous wine nights consists of opening several bottles...

Monday, March 27, 2006

Step 1: Getting off my butt

After nearly a year of being in the "really pissed off" phase, I decided I needed to make some changes in my life. I've always been so happy and loved life - seriously... my nickname is sunshine - but the past ten months I have not been myself. I've been going through a lot and not dealing well...

Running has always been so important to me. Most people don't understand, but running and working out was always my escape and time to myself. At first, I couldn't wait to get back into it and even walking again was a small victory. (Heck, touching my toes again was a small victory...) It was frustrating having to start out so slowly and it was still so painful, so sitting on the couch watching TV became much more appealing. Weight was never an issue for me, but since I've had so many doctor appointments I've been getting weighed a lot. I now weigh more than I ever have in my entire life. Not a great feeling, but I couldn't complain since I chose to sit on my butt. In fact, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to run again.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I knew I needed to do something. I've always been a pretty dedicated person but I knew I needed help this time. So, tonight I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I am publicly stating that I will run the Detroit Marathon, October 2006. There's no turning back now...