Getting into shape...

...sucks! Tonight was my first session with my personal trainer and he kicked my ass. I always hated when I would take some time off (two or three weeks) and then tried to pick up where I left off. In my head I always thought, "you should be able to do this" while my body was screaming, "why did you let yourself get out of shape!?!?" Let me tell you, that was nothing compared to taking ten months off.

We started with a series of high knees, butt kicks and walking lunges. From there we went right into explosion exercises and squats. I was definitely out of breath, but was doing better than I expected. Then we started abs. The first set I was able to do. The second set was a more advanced move, but something I normally would have been able to do. After doing half the set I looked at him and said, "yeah, so I had major abdomenal surgery a year ago." After scolding me for not telling him (I wanted to see wated to see what I could do) he said it made more sense as to why I couldn't do it. It wasn't that it was painful, my body just physically could not do it. Hmmm... must be BECAUSE THEY SLICED THROUGH MY ENTIRE ABDOMEN!!!!

At this point I was getting tired, but really I was getting more and more pissed off that I couldn't do everything. We moved to some push ups and then my sugar completely dropped. I felt like complete shit. After trying to push through it, but failing, we stopped the circuit training and I cooled down on the bike. He told me he was impressed with as much as I could do for not doing anything for a year. I told him it pisses me off that I couldn't do it, but said I guess since I couldn't walk ten months ago I should consider this an accomplishment. The best part of the session is the end - he stretched me out. The only down side is I'm really going to have to stay up on shaving my legs...

I've got a long way to go if I'm going to get back into running marathons. The thing is, I should be thrilled that I'm able to go to the gym and begin doing these things. But I'm not. I'm frustrated and this thought ran through my head about how much I hate my body for betraying me. I took good care of it - ate well, worked out, drank water, got my sleep. It sounds stupid so I haven't said it out loud to anyone, but I just feel like my body turned on me. Why the fuck were those things growning inside of me!?!? Why the fuck didn't anyone find them before they were the size of grapefruits!?!?!?!

I'm still not convinced that I even want to run again, but I truly believe this is the only way to find out. I'm still not convinced that I even want to be one of those girls that works out everyday. For my overall health I know I need to, but I'm just not sure I'm that person anymore.

On a brighter note I have did pass an exciting milestone. Yesterday, March 28, was the first day since May 18, 2005 that I did not get those sharp shooting, stabbing pains. The first day in nearly one year that I didn't have those horrible pains. I still have that "base pain" as I call it, but not a single stabbing feeling for 24 hours. My physical therapist was so pleased when I told her this morning. And, it was the first time I truly believed that it will get better. I'm not convinced yet that I'll ever live pain free... baby steps. Not to ruin the happy news, but I can't remember what it is like to not be in pain. I cannot remember what it was like prior to that awful day in May where my abdomen didn't hurt. That makes me so sad. Anyway, the stabbing returned today, but I'm still clinging to the fact that yesterday I did't have a single one. It may be a small thing, but to me it's a huge milestone.