Saturday, June 17, 2006

Why am I doing this?

You know how when you hear an outside noise while you're sleeping, and it becomes a part of your dream? Shortly before my alarm went off at 6 am, I was dreaming that I was doing a workout of sorts. I think it was swimming because, in my dream, I had to stop because of the stabbing pain on my right side. My mom draped a towel over me and asked I she needed to take me to the doctor. Well... what do you know. I woke up and my right side was hurting like hell. (Scale 1-10: 8) After hitting snooze a few times, I got up and got ready for my run, hoping the pain would go away. I really wasn't in the mood to get up, but I knew I would regret it if I didn't and ended up roasting in the sun.

I got to the metropark shortly before 7am and it was already 70*. ugghh. Thankfully there was a slight breeze. I strapped on my Fuel Belt (the first time I've used it in a year) and was on my way. My hip was a little sore at first, but loosened up a couple of miles in. My right side did not. About halfway through, this thought came flying out of no where. "Why am I doing this?" It literally stopped me cold in my tracks. Really. Why am I doing this? Do I want to be a runner again? Am I doing it because I don't want to say I'm not? Am I doing it because I'm just stubborn and can't admit that maybe I either can't do it or don't want to anymore? Is it still fun? Could it not be as fun because I'm in the "holy shit this sucks because I'm still getting into shape" phase right now and it'll become more fun as I progress?

Ricky had me write my goal on my mirror so I would see it everyday. Both my bathroom mirror and my full length mirror state: "2006 Detroit Marathon Sub 4:00" Sometimes it motivates me. Sometimes I look at it and say to myself, "holy shit, I have a lot of work to do!" Sometimes I look at it and sadly think there is no way I'm going to make it - and I DO NOT like not making my goals.

After a few tears, I decided that even if I want to quit today, I at least need to make it back to my car. :) So, I kept running. Classic me, I shoved those nasty thoughts back down and jammed to my music. I can't believe I never ran with music before - I LOVE my cute, little iPod! (and my great roommate who gave me some new music to listen to). Surprisingly, I finished my 12 mile run in exactly 2 hours (10:00 pace). I thought I was going MUCH, MUCH, MUCH slower!!

So, I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do about this stupid pain. They say that you shouldn't continue working out if you experience pain. Well, what if you experience pain when you're just sitting there? Is it okay to run then? My next appointment at U of M is in a few weeks, so that is one of the questions on my list. Right after, "what the fuck is wrong with me and what else is left that we can try?"

I try to live my life. I try to go on and do everything I enjoyed before. But, it's too hard. Someone told me that he believed things really do happen for a reason and your life won't go on until you learn the intended lesson. I could use a little help here. Not. Seeing. The. Intended. Lesson.

1 comment:

Radioactive Tori said...

I totally hear you on the whole "not understanding the message" thing. Sometimes I wish it would be a little more clear what I am supposed to learn from all the sucky things. I'd be happy to learn it, but sometimes I feel like I am not quite smart enough to figure it all out!