Last night I went out with some old friends from high school. We meet at a Mexican resturant for drinks and to catch up with one another. While I truly enjoy kicking back with a drink and talking, I wanted to go out and have fun. When the place closed we were walking out and I had to bite my tongue not to say, "boring married people this way, fun single people this way." The two married couples were going home because the next day was Easter (it was 10 pm you know) and the four single people were heading up to A2 to go out dancing and drinking. In my observation, it's like as soon as a couple gets married their fun level takes a nose dive. Why is that?
While it wasn't a complete wild and crazy time, I enjoyed being out with my friends. Mouse joined us with some of her friends as well. Drinks, dancing to ghetto booty music, and Pizza House. That's a good night.
Went to bed around 4 am, so 9 am came pretty early. I figured it wasn't worth the fight to tell my mother I didn't want to go to church, so I got up and got ready. I was so tired.
Growing up, I've heard various sermons about the people who sit in church and completely look the part. Those "perfect" ones that go to church every week and are active in church activities, but are really only going through the motions. Although there are times you don't pay attention in church, or opt to do something instead of go to church occasionally, I truly never felt as through I was simply going through the motions. I always thought I had a strong faith, and I went to church pretty much every week because that was who I was, not because it was a chore or because I needed to keep up appearances. Sitting in church today, I saw things in a completely different light.
It's hard to explain what I was feeling, but I felt so far removed from the whole experience. Here, Easter is the most important day in a Christian's life and I felt... numb? Church, especially my home church, was a place where I always felt comfortable, welcomed and safe. Today, it was a big building where I was looking around and felt like I was an outsider looking in. In the past, listening to the Easter story was so exciting - every year. Although not vital to the true meaning of the day, I loved the lillies that decorated the alter, the hymns and, of course, Mr. W's brass choir. Today, I saw and heard these things, but it was as if I was in a fog and didn't really see or hear it.
I don't know how to explain it. I wouldn't say I'm mad at God. Sure, I'm pissed about what happend, but I think it's more confusion. I just don't understand. I always thought my faith was strong, but if I'm like this after one set back how strong was it really? Have I always just been going through the motions? While this may seem stupid, it really did cross my mind. My abdomen hurt so much during church (scale 1-10: 7 but it has been constant pretty much all day instead of a few stabbing seconds). I've been taught that God doesn't make bad things happen to us. He allows it to happen. I was thinking, "is this him punishing me for not turning to him during my time of need?" Then I started thinking, "Gee, if he wants me to turn to him he should make it hurt all the time unless I'm in church. That'll make me change my mind." Is that sick or what! :)
A few months ago, I bit the bullet and went to church. It was kinda like the whole working out thing, I felt like I was getting to the point of no return and thought I better do something. So I went. Sat there. Went home. Either I'm not ready to face it yet or I have a lot to overcome to get back on path. I think I know the answer. Tonight, I was trying to think about this and figure out what is going on with me and I couldn't. I have become so good at not thinking about it and shuting down my emotions, that I wasn't able to when I tried.
I think I am completely messed up. And, if anyone reads this, I'm sure they'll agree.