Story of my life. Today at PT we discovered the complications are more extensive than orginally realized. She's still not sure if it's fucking nerve damage or not, but at this point I really don't care what it is. I told her I wish I could cut out the region of my body ranging from my belly button to mid-thigh. The thing that frustrates, but really more than anything freaks me the hell out, is that after nearly a year I didn't know this was wrong. That is what has me convinced that there is something seriously wrong (well, besides the fact that I'm in pain A FUCKING YEAR LATER) with me that they just haven't figured out yet.
She asked me if I was okay and I shook my head. She asked what was bothering me and I replied that I didn't know. I really didn't. She asked if it was frustrating and, of course like a headcase, I broke down. I know she was being supportive but she reminded me how far I've come. True, but honestly, I don't want to think about it. I know I've made progress, but I am so freaking tired of "looking on the bright side." I know I've made progress, but what about the fact that I am still not better. I'm tired of people telling me I need to be patient. Haven't I been patient enough? What more am I suppose to do?
One thing she said that made me re-examine everything is that no one really knows what I've been through. No one really knows what my pain feels like. As silly as it is, it took her to say that for me to realize it's true. I don't really know how much I talk about it. It seems to me like I talk about it a lot, but it may be because it's something that is always on my mind. And, now I blog about it.
I'm just so tired of it. I want to move on with my life, and I've made a lot of changes but it doesn't seem to do any good. For as many "good" things I've done, I'm still in the same spot - it hasn't been fixed and, oh, we found more wrong with you. What am I suppose to do? I can have as much freaking "positive thinking" as possible, but it doesn't stop the fact that my body is completely jacked up and doing its own thing. Seriously, I am so fucking tired of this whole ordeal. I wish I would just heal like normal people and go back to my life.