Monday, April 24, 2006

One step forward, three steps backwards

Story of my life. Today at PT we discovered the complications are more extensive than orginally realized. She's still not sure if it's fucking nerve damage or not, but at this point I really don't care what it is. I told her I wish I could cut out the region of my body ranging from my belly button to mid-thigh. The thing that frustrates, but really more than anything freaks me the hell out, is that after nearly a year I didn't know this was wrong. That is what has me convinced that there is something seriously wrong (well, besides the fact that I'm in pain A FUCKING YEAR LATER) with me that they just haven't figured out yet.

She asked me if I was okay and I shook my head. She asked what was bothering me and I replied that I didn't know. I really didn't. She asked if it was frustrating and, of course like a headcase, I broke down. I know she was being supportive but she reminded me how far I've come. True, but honestly, I don't want to think about it. I know I've made progress, but I am so freaking tired of "looking on the bright side." I know I've made progress, but what about the fact that I am still not better. I'm tired of people telling me I need to be patient. Haven't I been patient enough? What more am I suppose to do?

One thing she said that made me re-examine everything is that no one really knows what I've been through. No one really knows what my pain feels like. As silly as it is, it took her to say that for me to realize it's true. I don't really know how much I talk about it. It seems to me like I talk about it a lot, but it may be because it's something that is always on my mind. And, now I blog about it.

I'm just so tired of it. I want to move on with my life, and I've made a lot of changes but it doesn't seem to do any good. For as many "good" things I've done, I'm still in the same spot - it hasn't been fixed and, oh, we found more wrong with you. What am I suppose to do? I can have as much freaking "positive thinking" as possible, but it doesn't stop the fact that my body is completely jacked up and doing its own thing. Seriously, I am so fucking tired of this whole ordeal. I wish I would just heal like normal people and go back to my life.


Jimmy Dean said...

Don't be patient. SCREAM OUT LOUD. Punch a punching bag. Experience where you are, when you are there... there's some lesson here that you will take with you forever, and for some messed up reason, the universe never lets us move on until we GET what we were supposed to GET out of it. I won't provide any wonderful insight here, or any true comforting understanding, how can we understand if we haven't been there? But I am sending you warmth, positive energy, love & healing prayer... and let yourself (emotionally) be where you are now, so you can move through it...

How's that for some random unsolicited advice from a stranger? ;)

Cara Maria McDonough said...

You are totally allowed to be frustrated! And it sounds to me like you are doing all the right things to get yourself back into shape. It's really hard when you feel that you can't do any more to help yourself but when you look back you'll remember - not all the pain and work - but how you worked hard to feel totally back to normal.

sunshine said...

Thanks to both of you for your kind words! I appreciate it more than you know.